For all who have wondered, What it was really like for the young men who went to Vietnam and returned home so changed, this is a true story of one such man. Jay Dee Ruybal was an 18 year old who witnessed the reality of Vietnam war, using the methods that were available to him to escape from the feelings engendered by his experience. This is a true story of the fears, the resposibilities of a leadership, the strangeness of relationships, the drugs, the alcohol, the beauty of the human body and awakening sexuality, the despair at the waste of human life, and the drownings of negative feelings that were inescapable. There was no place to run. Evan R&R, known as I&I (intercourse and intoxication) was tained by the ravages of that controversial war. Jay Dee Ruybal returned home to the world changed--no longer innocent of evil, no longer pure in heart and body, no longer without guilt. But unlike many thousands of American soldiers, he did come home! He returned to a country that did not understand what he had experienced. Decades later, he tries to live his life as normally as he can. But it is still a monumental task.